Thoughts of an RPMer

This is my fourth year of running the 6:30 a.m. RPM classes. I couldn't possibly recollect every single workout I've had the class do, and I'd never expect one of the athletes to do the same. But there is one workout that everyone who comes through the class does three times, and that workout is known colloquially as the 20 minute test. We use this workout as a way to calculate you maximal sustained 1-hour power, better known as Functional Threshold Power, or "FTP." We do this workout once the first week of class, once in the middle, and once at the end to track your fitness progress. 

Over my four years, I've occasionally chosen to workout with the class. I can only do this if there are a limited number of people in the class, if I know ahead of time that there are going to be a limited number of people in the class so I can prepare, & if I am motivated to do an incredibly intense workout at 6:30 a.m. As I was quoted on Facebook recently, ""That's what I've been making those poor people do every morning at 6a.m.? I'm so, so sorry..." While i"m a morning person, it's just hard for me to push myself supremely hard before noon. And so these occasions where I ride with my class are rare, and since only 12% of the classes are 20-minute tests, my opportunities to ride a 20-minute test as the RPMers do--not privately but on display for all to see how I do--are few and far between. But for the third time in four years, I did the 20 minute test, this time alongside the collegiate RPM class, with 5 riders from the University of Pennsylvania cycling team.  In what follows, I try to recapture my thoughts as the test progressed. 


0:00 Arghhhh here we go. Up out of the saddle get that number up high and hold it., 450 watts 4 seconds in and I feel great. Wow, I must be really good at this. Could it be? Yes, I'm a natural, like Robert Redford! Legs going like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm ... unstoppable, I'm....that number sure is falling fast? I can't seem to... JEEZ this is getting hard. I ...I should sit. I can't do 450. OWWW is that a stitch? Crap I'm gonna be sick. I want to stop. I'm literally going to die. No one has ever possibly hurt this much ever. Oh what an idiotic boob I was back--what time are we at?--11 seconds ago. 


OK, the urge to die is fading along with the average wattage. Pace yourself pace yourself pace yourself. That's what I tell everyone. Pace yourself. And i do tend to repeat things when encouraging people. What else do I say when i'm trying to be helpful. Surely I must be inspiring or people wouldn't be coming to class. "This is it," I say. "Here we go." I continue on: "come on!" Brilliant. 19 minutes to go and what have I come up with? The lyrics to the last Black Eyed Peas "song." Man Fergie is weird looking. I wonder what my face looks like right now. I should probably relax my face. That's something else I say to everyone. So I don't wanna look like this permanently.


Speaking of songs, the first one's over. Must be--yep, 4 minutes in now. Does Eminem's Lose Yourself still count as a great pump up song? It was great when I was in high school. These kids were like 8 when I was in high school. Ugh. Man I was strong in high school. Now i"m just achey all over all of the time. I'm especially uncomfortable right now. Why do we do this? The bikesnob nyc was right: "road racing is not done for fun. It's done out of obligation." I am obliged to keep cycling because i can't let these guys see me quit even though they really want to too. We're trapped in a loveless engagement we're obliged to complete, just waiting for it to end without throwing up all over ourselves. Sort of like going to a really sad casino. Or my relationship with my ex from high school. I wonder if she's on facebook.


Right, I've been quiet for a while now. I should say something. Come on Matt Foley, motivate! "Almost......half....way.....guys!" Great, no death stares. No stink eye. I must be helping. God I'm good at that. I should just jump off so I can cheer them on better. Yeah. I'll just wind down the legs, unclip, say I "just wasn't feeling it" or claim cramps. They can't prove I didn't have them. Cramps are a surprisingly enigmatic physiological phenomenon. NO! I told everyone I was doing this. They'll all ask. I can't tell everyone i had cramps. Nick's doing this tomorrow. I'll hate him even more if he does it and I wimp out. Must keep spinning.


Seven minutes to go. Number seems to be holding steady finally. Must be--yes! The Miley Cyrus song is up next. It was fun listening to that in the hotel after races. Why are my fondest memories all of events following races rather than the races themselves? I think I remember reading an article about that. Something about shared experience of duress bringing people closer together. Like brothers in arms. Maybe everyone here will bond over this and we can start a 6 piece all-male a cappella group. 


"Charlie, I hate you for this!"


Crap. Yeah, I hate me for this too, Stephan. I hate me for this too.


Hey, seventeen minutes in! I'm seventeen minutes in. That's basically twenty. I can probably get away with stopping and the number would be more or less the same as it would for a true 20-minute effort. Wait, what am I about to say? What is going on? Mouth, this a bad idea. Don't do what I think you're about to do!


"Let's go guys, everybody raise their wattage these last 3 minutes. Absolutely as hard as you can go til you explode. This is where you earn your bike racing stripes! Bury yourself deep for 3 minutes!" Crap. And now I'm listening to my own words. So trite and yet somehow everyone is listening. Even me. I can do this. I'm going to raise my average wattage. I can do anything for just three minutes. Then the badness and the hurt will go away.Let's see 450 again!


Whoaaa, MISTAKE, ok, let's try for 400...ok, maybe 375...you know what, I'm not even gonna look at the number. Just stare at the clock and drive it. 1 minute to go. Did the volume just get louder on the speakers? Say what you want about her stupid hair but holy crap Rihanna can produce one helluva dance mix. 30 seconds. I should stand. Crap my legs don't want me to stand. Short term power is greater when you stand even though it is a less efficient pedaling style. I must stand. Shift up. 53x14. 53x13. 12. 11. That's it. Push through it. Go go go! ow ow ow! 5...4...3...2...........1..........arrrrrRRRRRGHGHHG!!!!






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"Guys, that was awesome. I'm so glad we did that together." 


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Immediately upon saying those words, I realized that they were true.


See you at RPM.